Survival: Some struggle to meet ends meet with money or education, while some fight to overcome their past and move away from hate

I guess your life story is your life story

Everyone has those demons to face; you know the ones that frighten you the most.

I never knew the trust I shared could be broken

But I guess it found me weak… well I guess he did.

The truth is, I want to break my silence

I want to change the image everyone has of me.

I was only eleven. I’ve repeated that everyday since he stopped. I was only eleven. I was only eleven.

I guess that didn’t really matter none to him.

He wanted me. And he got me. I had fallen into his hands.

The love I was looking for he showed me.

I didn’t know he would abuse me, that he would take advantage of the little parts of me that really mattered.

But he did.

I…I…I want to say more.

But what if he finds out I told? What will he do to me?

I’m living in this world of fear… where nothing else has any meaning.

I’ve kept this demon… this demon for such a long time.

And it scares the hell out of me.

As I’ve grown older away from these memories of abuse.

I can still feel his touch… his hateful touch.

The one I once thought of as the loving hand of a father.

I guess I was just that foolish little girl…. The one who wanted to feel loved, and to have a man care for her for once.

I’m sick of hearing everybody say it wasn’t my fault.

When I was the one who was there… the one who kept coming back.

Daddy’s love was much deeper and more meaningful than the harm he was doing.

To me I never really saw the harm, but once again I was only eleven.

So it was partially my fault…

Just one more thing to scare the hell out of me.

Even though they are older and supposed to know better.

I still feel the need to blame myself.

For the first time since then, I’ve finally learned to live with this fear; this hate.

And the truth is, years after the fact, I’ve realized that the part of me that says it was partially my fault.

That part of me is just looking for an excuse for the man that I really hate.

So why is it so easy to say that I love him?

But so hard to admit the hate and pain he has caused.

Shouldn’t that be the easy thing to say?

But the truth is…

I’m no longer a victim, a statistic.

I’ve become a survivor

Chapter 12

            It was late at night when I opened my eyes. I’ll always remember that day. July 22^nd. I opened my eyes in an unfamiliar room. It was the hospital. I looked from side to side before I realized what had happened, or at least what my brain told me was happening.

            I examined the close proximities first, before I challenged myself to see what was around elsewhere. I was in a hospital gown and nothing else. Who put it on me? Did they see all my bruises and cuts that I had worked so hard to protect? Undeniably they had to have seen them, but my mind felt scared in my stiff body, about how they would have reacted.

            Next thing on my list of examinations: the IV pole that was hanging by my left side. Dripping liquid was funneling its way out of the hanging bags, down a thin tube. I followed it downward with my eyes to where the tube entered my vein in my arm… by a needle point. A flat, Styrofoam board held my arm straight from the elbow down, my fingers being the only part to be able to wiggle.

            The last memory I had of the competition was holding Grace’s hand. I turned to my right when I realized that someone was still holding my hand. She was holding my hand, sleeping on the edge of my bed. I couldn’t believe she really hadn’t left my side. But I still wondered if she had left me at one point? For how long? But none of that really mattered.

            Nobody else was around. Absolutely nobody. The hallway light crept through the crack in the open door, but even in the hall, there seemed to be no noise. I was alone.

            I watched Grace sleep by my side for some time. I couldn’t explain the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach, but I just didn’t want to wake her. For once, I didn’t want her to see me. So I laid still.

            The door cracked open a little more later that night. My face was towards the window and I resisted the urge to turn and see who it was. Inside I wanted to know, but I just didn’t want to see anybody. The footsteps were light and gentle and they were growing nearer. The woman came around the bedside before I had time to close my eyes. It was Miss James.

I had grown so far away from everything I once knew, that when I saw her there, tears streaked my face once again. She sat down in a chair by my bedside and stroked my hair gently. It brought flashbacks of that night of crying back home with Grace and the overwhelming thoughts of all those days I had spent with both of them. I just cried.

She wiped the tears away from my eyes as they came. “Hey sweetie.” That was the first thing she said.  there, tears strieked my face once again. later that night. n door, but even in the hall, there seemed to be no noise. d.

            I wanted so badly to know where everyone else was, but couldn’t find the words in my closed off throat. But she read my mind. “Your mama is on her way here with Emily and your dad right now. You said in the ambulance all you wanted was Grace so the girls are waiting outside. It’s okay to cry.”

            “I should have not hidden everything. I am sorry.” I muttered helplessly.

As I faded off to sleep, Miss James sat by my side. She sang to me, Emily’s song. I don’t know how she knew, but she did…

            “You a true beauty…

                Undeniably a true beauty.”

            And she whispered, “Everything is going to be okay.”

                                                                        ***

            I awoke in the middle of the next morning to the noise of shuffling feet in the hallway. I learned a few moments later that those feet belonged to my parents and two of my “sisters.” But before they entered the room, I glanced quickly around. Nothing was extremely different, however now everyone was awake. Grace was still holding my hand as she and Miss James spoke softly amongst one another. They didn’t notice that I had woken up.

            Faith and Hope walked in first and mouthed “I love you” as they went to stand behind Grace. Mama and dad walked in hesitantly right behind them. I saw on their faces two different expressions besides the fright that seemed to scar everyone’s face. Mama looked as if she were so sorry she had left me in California for even a second. Dad looked just weary and worn down. He didn’t look the same as he used to.

            Grace squeezed my hand to let me know that it was ok. Miss James stroked my hair. They both stood up and along with Hope and Faith left the room.

            Mama came up and took my hand. Dad kind of stood to watch. “I shouldn’t have left you. I am so sorry.” Mama shed a tear.

            “I love you.” I couldn’t say anything else. “I love you both.” But then I asked them what was going to happen.

            Dad came over and laid his hand on top of my head. “Testing to see what is wrong. Then from there we hope and wait and see what happens.” They both faked a smile.

            “Can I see Faith and Hope? And then Grace and Miss James?” I felt horrible asking and wanting them more than my parents. But I just couldn’t tell my parents how I felt or what happened. It was the start of my spiral down I guess you could say.

            Faith and Hope prayed with me, but not much else was said. A lot of apologies for not paying attention or not saying anything. It was hard.

            Even more difficult was facing Grace and Miss James. But even that, like always was eased into. Until the nose bleed. I had been so distracted by the pain in my hip, that I disregarded what had been happening for weeks. I felt it trickle down onto my lip and tried to cover it up, but that was almost impossibly considering the focus was on me. Grace grabbed a tissue and put it under my nose and Miss James wiped my hand clean. But now they knew something was going on.

                                                                        ***

            Later that afternoon, after several check-ins with nurses, the doctor came in to see me. She was young and pretty and she really did care. I kept Grace by my side, clutching onto her hand.

            “So I see you hurt yourself at a gymnastics competition. Are you comfortable to talk?” She asked.

            The medication they gave me had numbed the pain. “Yes I guess so,” I said unsurely and afraid of what she was going to ask.

            “So sweetie, I see you are all bruised and cut up. How did all of that happen?” Her sincere approach left me almost in tears. I looked at Grace for reassurance.” They just happened. They scared me a little at first because... because they happened so fast, but I just hid them.”

She reassured me that it was ok and asked me about the nose bleeds. I answered truthfully that they happened very often also and that they left me scared. She came over to my bedside and stroked my hair before she left. I began to cry when she left the room. Grace just held my hand and let me know everything would be okay from now on. No more secrets though.

***

They ran testing on me the same day. MRI’s and X’ rays and blood tests. In between each test, Grace was always by my side. I didn’t feel alone anymore and I knew she wasn’t angry. To be honest, I feared she would be angry by my long kept secrets.

Everyone else stood together and prayed for the best.

***

10 p.m. rolled around and I was back in my room. Everybody was gathered in there and we were talking and eating dinner, even though I couldn’t eat much in the past couple weeks. I felt whole with everyone there. I felt whole until the doctor came in with a male doctor by her side. The room went silent and the doctors began to speak.

“Judging by the tests and from what we have seen, we have bad news.” The male

doctor stepped in. “We think Olivia has cancer. Leukemia.” me a little at first because..  for reassurance."see me. ly considerinf the focus was on me. oft

Chapter 1

     The dream is and will always be mine. Ever since that one life changing day in my early childhood, I've believed it was up to me to become who I am today.
     This path I took is a self-revelating one.... years of pain and silence, but then again there were times of joy and blessing.
     Beyond that door is an entrance to the stage I will sing on in my near future. For judges, no not for them. For this time this audition will be for me. This is my chance to not only impress myself, but also to please myself and most of all, to achieve my dream.
     You break the breathtaking silence with a question, a question that took me by surprise. "Where do you truly come from? Where did you start?"

     I was just nine years old when I realized my dreams; actually when I realized my true abilities, or as people often put it, my true colors. I was a nine year old who sang made up lyrics to my new baby sister late at night after Mama and Daddy went to sleep.
     Emily was just a few weeks old. Mama had given birth to her on July 10th. She was a blessing mama and daddy said and I was set to try and make sure she knew that. That for me was singing to her and telling her everything I wished people would say to me. After Grace had left college when I was 6 I felt very alone and I missed having that someone special and this was my chance to give that feeling to someone else.
     It was late one summer night as I softly sang to Emily,
          "As I look into your eyes, I see a true beauty
            An undeniable beauty
            O your a true beauty...."
     Mama walked in on me that night.” What are you doing Livie? Why aren’t you in bed?"
     "Nothing Mama, just singing. I’m sorry I just came in to say goodnight and I didn’t mean to....” I said.
     "Oh Livie, well lets get you into bed now. Its way past your bed time sweetie. No more for tonight", she said.
     As we walked down the hall I mumbled to myself, "I wish Grace would come home. I can’t stand being here alone. I just wanted to sing to Emily to fix this." Only bad thing was that Mama must have heard me, by the look of her face, which had went from tired to shock.
     "What is wrong Livie?” she said as she stopped me in the middle of the hallway. "What is it you need to fix?"
      "Nothing...” I mumbled back. "Please I just want to go back to bed now."
     The truth is, that was the night of my life- the path of destruction really began. It was a flash of reality. I knew my childhood was good to the outside world. I knew I got lucky to have parents and sisters who cared about me; at least Grace who could say she cared, but I just didn’t feel good enough. That was something I told myself over and over again, which I knew would hurt me later. I went to bed that night with a cry to myself, "I want to make it big, but I am in no way good enough."

Chapter 2

     Over the next few months, music became a soul comfort in my life. I was always a shy and quiet child, but the music became who I was.
     I was 10 years old the day I was noticed for my singing. I was walking through the dark hallway in school with my class that day. I remember it was December 3, my birthday. My voice had been singing, but I hadn’t realized it.
     I sang, "With a broken wing/ She carries her dreams/ Man you ought a see her fly...." I was cut off by the chorus teacher standing in the hallway; I had walked right into her.
     “Was that you singing like an angel, Livie?” Miss James asked. I remember Miss James clearly now. She was a young, second year chorus teacher at our school. I was in a way, always scared of her. She always could tell what was going on though. I remember the look on her face at this time. She seemed shocked by me. It made me feel good inside because I had always been looking up to her that year, but never could say it.
     "Oh, I’m sorry miss.... I didn’t realize I was being listened to...” I replied.
     It was that cold snowy day that Miss James signed me up to sing at the Christmas Talent Show. The feeling this gave me was disbelief and excitement- a feeling I would feel in the years to come, all too often.

     I ran home that day, after missing the bus. I felt like I was on cloud 9 and I could go on forever. The moment I hit home, I jolted inside and broke down in total shock about the opportunity I had just been given. I ran up to my room, not sure how to break the news to Mama and Daddy. I decided I would tell them at dinner: make it evermore excited I declared to myself.

     Later that night, Mama called me downstairs for dinner. I ran down the stairs, excited to tell everyone my good news. This was going to be a special announcement and I was happy that Grace was home from college on this amazing night for me.
     As I hit the bottom step, Grace walked through the front door. "Hey Livie, babe", she said.
     "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, guess what Grace. I am so excited that you are home", I said as I jumped into her arms.
     Emily was my baby, just like I was Grace's. Grace was my soul confident for me to go to and I hoped to be that special someone for Emily as she grew up. But wait, tonight was about me.
     "Guess what! Today Miss James insisted that I sing in the Christmas Talent Show", I told everyone.
     "Oh Livie!” Mama and Daddy said ad the baby began to clap and laugh.
     “Congratulations babe", Grace said. I was so happy to have my biggest supporter behind me 100 percent like she was.
     As we sat down to eat dinner, I was bound with questions. The talent show was just two weeks away. "What song was I going to sing? What was I going to wear? Would Grace be home to come watch me?" I put these thoughts off to the side of my mind to think about the beauty of this blessing. "Maybe I do have the ability to chase my dreams."

     Later that night, Grace came up to my room to braid my long blonde hair, but walked in on me. I was singing to Emily my made up lyrics. I knew real songs at this time, but the lyrics I made up had more power over me that night.
     "Inside you is a butterfly/ A butterfly just waiting to show its true beauty/ Oh oh oh, true beauty", I sang.
     "Oh hey babe. Sorry to walk in on you", Grace said until she noticed my glistening tears. "Hey Livie, come here. Are you ok beautiful?” I tried o run out of the room, but she caught me and took me by the hand to my bedroom.
     Back in my bedroom, Grace laid on my bed with me as I drifted off into a sound sleep. The last thing I wanted was to be called beautiful. I didn’t look like Grace with a beautiful look about her, with her short brown hair and green eyes and tall thin frame. Nor did I look like Emily with a cute childlike look about me anymore. No I was a short girl with long blonde curls and blue eyes, not what I wanted. So where did that leave me?

Chapter 3

     That night with Grace was one of the most emotional nights Id ever had. To see my sister cry with me for reasons I could not come to admit myself, made me see how much I was loved. That night, I decided I would sing the same song I was singing in the hallway that Friday at school. I would sing "Broken Wing", by Martina McBride.
     I went back to school that next Monday. The first person I saw was Miss James. I had an after school rehearsal with her. School went all too quick and before I knew it, the fear and anxiety began to come back in cycled patterns.
     "Hey Livie, so what do you want to sing for the show?", Miss James asked. Her face lit up when I replied,"Broken Wing", by Martina McBride.
     I belted out," And with a broken wing, she still sings/ She keeps an eye on the sky/ With a broken wing/ she carries her dreams/ man you oughtta see her fly."
     For the next week, I had rehearsal everyday with Miss James afterschool. With each rehearsal, I became more aware of the lyrics and what they truely meant. I believe that with each rehearsal, I had a greater impact on Miss James. The look on her face changed from a shocked look, to teary eyed over the course of that week. She never once said anything bad.
     That Sunday, Grace came home to take me for a new outfit for the Christmas Talent Show. We went out that afternoon to the mall. I picked my outfit out at Limited Too. It was a pair of dark blue jeans, a sparkly red tank top and a white half sweater. I was very happy with the outfit, and more than anything, I was happy to have gotten it with Grace.
     On Monday, I had my last rehearsal with Miss James. I tryed to make the best of it, but for some reasonI was extremely terrified. I wasnt sure if it was that the Talent show was less than a week away or if I was just freaking out.
     That night I went home in a very quiet mood. I had only told lil Emily what I was going to sing on Firday, because of course she was barely one and could not tell anyone. I had no friends to tell and I wanted to surprise Mama, Daddy, and Grace. My family was all I had. I was an outsider at school, but sometimes I wished I had someone to share this good news with.

     The night of the Christmas Talent Show had finally arrived. I was both excited and upset on this night. I was excited because I was being given an amazing oppurtunity, but Grace said she wasnt going to be able to make it.
     I was sitting in the chorus room, shaking in my beautiful new outfit. Mama was curling my hair when Miss James walked in. She looked beautiful in her black dress and red high heels. I had forgotten she was even my teacher and what she said to me next has been with me everyday since.
     As Miss James bent down beside me, she began to say, "Livie, you have done more than just impress me. You have come out of your shell and became a girl who deserves the best in life. Working with such a young and beautiful girl like you has made me realize why I chose my job. You are going to do amazing tonight. We are in this together, I promise."
     The word beautiful stuck out in my head. I began to cry ever so slightly when Miss James wiped my tears away, hugged me and grabbed my hand.
     "Come on, its your time", she said as we walked backstage.
     The curtains drew back and Miss James began to play the piano. I walked up to the microphone and began to sing, letting the emotion take over me, just like Miss James had taught me silently in rehearsal.
     "He loved to make her cry/ your crazy for believin' you'll ever leave the ground/ he said, only angles know how to fly..."
     As I sang the last lines, "with a broken wing/ she carries her dreams/ man you oughtta see her fly/ with a broken wing ohh", I looked back to see the tears building up in my chorus teacher's eyes. The song ended and the cheers errupted.
     As I looked out into the audience, I saw Grace standing there holding Emily. They were both smiling from ear to ear. I saw tears in Grace's eyes that night.
     That night I walked off the stage feeling like I could do or be anything. I felt like an angel in her place.

Chapter 4

    After that special night on stage during the Christmas Talent show, days seemed to slip by like shooting stars. Now I had no worry that my sister would ever let me down and she would surprise me like she did, I had nothing left to really worry about, especially with her. Now, not only was I participating in amazing singing events, but I was also an active dancer and gymnast. Most people said I was just a ten year old kid just like everyone else, but I never revealed what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go. Only two people in my life truely understood and knew what I wanted; Grace and Miss James. I told Emily, but she was still just a beautiful baby, too young to understand.
     Grace was my confidence in life, but Miss James; she was someone I never expected to become so close to. That May, nearly five months after the Christmas Talent Show, I had been chosen to perform at a recital in New York City. I didnt know much about the event, but I knew I would be performing a dance routine and then singing. I also knew Grace and Miss James would fly with me there and be my support, while Mama and Daddy stayed back home with lil Emily in North Carolina.
     I attended private dance rehearsals and worked on my song with Miss James at her countryside home. I learned my dance in just over one week. I had created a hip hop and ballet mix to dance to, but that wasnt my main focus just yet; singing was.
     Grace drove me to Miss James' house one day at the beginning of May. They had both become good friends and it was nice to know I had two people to go to who were alike in age, personality, and confidence in me.
     I got out of the car and ran to hug Miss James. "Guess what! I know what I want to sing for this recital I want to sing"Anything and Everything", by Martina McBride."
     Miss James hugged me tight and replied, "Ok, we will work on that then. How about you show me and Grace your dance routine for now?"
     I ran out in the field and showed them what I was going to perform. "I've worked endlessly on this dance. I hope it will be good enough". The shyness I had hidden for months, began to emerge again, but quickly faded with Miss James' and Grace's smiles.
     I ran around in the field and layed under the bright beautiful sunlight all day. As the sun began to set, Grace and Miss James came out to lie on both sides of me. I sang for them, " What do you dream about/ Look at the stars, honey/ All you gotta do is pick one out/ And its there for you/ Ill be the one who makes/ Your every dream come true."
     That night, back at home I sang to Emily for the first time in a long time. She was a year old already and was getting to be so big. I talked to her about the trip I would take to New York City in less than two weeks. "I love you Emily. You will be my precious just like I am Graces. Maybe one day you will come to New York or California with me when I become famous", was the last thing I said to my little sister that clear, dark night. 
     
     I left for New York City with Grace and Miss James the day before the dress rehearsal for the recital. When we arrived in the city, I was shocked by the buildings and the hectic hustle of all the people. The greatest place for me that night was Times Square. All the lights and the beauty of that center at night were unbelievable.
     As we walked toward the Hilton, the hotel we were staying at, Grace and Miss James swung me in the air. We laughed and giggled until we fell asleep that night.
     The next day I had dress rehearsal. The entire world fell to silence around me when I saw the stage and the auditorium I would be performing on the next day for over 2,500 people. Famous plays such as the Lion King and Beauty and the Beast had been there I learned that day. It was the first time I was acually scared about forgetting my routine or even my words. 
     That night, we bought tickets to see The Lion King. Sitting in the audience, I was awe struck at how talented and undeniably amazing these people performing really were. I really wanted to be one of them.
     As we walked along the crowded streets that night, I asked "Gracie, do you think I could be one of them one day?" The look  in here yes told me she coudl see what I was feeling- hopeless, desperate, lonely, and just trying to fit in. Silence took over. As she tucked me into bed that night, she bent over and said, "Livie you are one of them."
     The next night at the theatre, I called Miss James and Grace into my dressing room. I spoke with sicerity and truth to them both. "Tonight is a night I never could have dreamed of before Miss James. You have taught me so much in a few short months. 6 months ago I was too scared to even look at or talk to you, I was so shy. And Grace, you have always been my older sister, my hero. You have always been there and you are who I hope to be like. Tonight is for the both of you. I chose this song because you both represent my dreams and my future that I can believe in when I am with either one of you." I hugged Grace and then Miss James before they left to go and find their seats.
     As I waited for my turn on stagethat night, a shock came through my body, like I could do anything I could dream. I heard the woman announce my name on stage. It was my Que. "Now to perform an exclusive dance routine and sing a very special song, please welcome Miss Olivia Jazz."
     I walked onto the stage and the music began. I turned to face the audience as cheers errupted from the audience as I danced across the stage, ballet first. Before I knew it I was walking up to the microphone to sing.
     "I just want to say thank you for having me tonight. The song I will be singing is by Martina McBride, called "Anything and Everything". I want to dedicate this performance to two people in my life and who are here with me tonight, who have always believed in me. Thank you again." And so I began to sing with tears streaming down my pale cheeks, "Close your eyes and baby/ Make a wish and baby/ Ill give you anything and everything/ The sky is the limit and my heart is in it/ Ill give you anything and everything/ Anything and everything." I believe that this song affected the people in the audience as much as it did me.
     As I walked off the stage to Grace and Miss James, a man who said he was a scout approached me. He said he would love to have me attend a camp for young performing arts students in Lo Angeles, California! "You have talent and your vulnerability up there gave me hope. I hope you will think about this and join us this summer.", he said and then he walked away.
     I was clobered by people who fell in love with my performances, but that night, nothing felt better than just being on that stage and singing my heart out.
     I called mama that night from the hotel. "Mama I want to go to California."

Chapter 5

After I had told mama I wanted to go to California, I put a lot more thought into it all. Music and singing was my true passion, but was I really as good as I had been told? What if I was the worst at the camp? Who could I rely on? Thoughts and questions flooded my brain and I was just confused with myself, with my life. But by the time I was to come home, I decided I wanted to go anyways. Miss James said it could never hurt.
     I returned home the weekend of May 24, three days after the recital. I would only stay home in North Carolina for a short period of time- no more than two weeks. School was ending that Friday, May 31 and camp began on June 22.
     That Saturday after I got home and Grace went back to finish her last two weeks of college, I went upstairs to play with Emily. It seemed like over the course of a week, she had grown so much. I felt like I was watching her walk and even crawl for the first time, even though, of course it wasnt. Less than twenty minutes later, mama called me. I picked Emily up and walked to the kitchen.
     “Hey Livie, about the camp you want to go to this summer...” mama began to say.
     I cut her off," I really want to see what it is like to be around other people who love the same things as me. Please mama, I really want to go."
     "Calm down baby. I talked to daddy and we decided that we would do whatever it takes to gett you there. He will stay home and you and I, along with Emily will go rent an apartment out in California for the summer. Now go get dressed so we can go out. We will need some new stuff for the summer then."
     I realized that day was about me. It was the first time I recall ever wearing and buying a two piece bathing suit; it was yellow with ink stripes down the sides. As I tryed it on, for the first time in a long time, I felt pretty. That day, I also bought new ballet shoes along with pink tights and a black leotard; love of course. I loved shopping for myself, but the baby section for Emily was so much more of an attraction to  me. I just wished I was that size again. It just seemed like, once again, a day meant to be really fun, turned out to be sad to me and I hated myself for that.

     I went back to school on Monday, still the same me. I didn’t talk to anyone of course, except for Miss James.
     "So I leave for Los Angeles next Friday Miss James. I am really super excited.” I said.
     "That’s great. You are going to soar Livie, I hope you remember that.” she said. She answered all my prayers and hopes when she said that. Maybe I will be ok.
     The rest of the school week went by so fast. I can’t even remember what I said or did. Next thing I knew, school was over and I was out to spread my wings.

     Thursday night came around and I was given the greatest shock, I had never expected it. I was packing my bags when Grace walked into my room, along with Miss James.
     "Surprise babe, looks like it is four of us going to Los Angeles, not just three!” Grace said as she pulled me into her arms. Emily walked in and giggled as she attempted to say Grace which sounded more like "Gacie". She hadn’t learned how to pronounce the letter "r" yet. As Grace went to pick her up, Miss James walked over to me.
     "I just wanted you to have this before you leave tomorrow sweetie. I was like you when I was younger. I was a dancer and a singer, but I never had the courage to do what you are doing with your life, especially at the age of ten.", Miss James said. In the small box was a necklace holding a ballet shoe, music note, and star charm.
     "I love it. Thank you so much", I replied and hugged her before she left the room and then the house.

     We landed in Los Angeles late Friday night. I don’t remember any of it, I was so tired, I slept through everything. Next thing I remember was waking up in a bedroom on Saturday morning. We had two weeks before camp started, giving us time to see Los Angeles and the surrounding area, which I would later call home.

     The first week we spent in Los Angeles, we spent a lot of time at the beach and boardwalk. I and Emily built giant, wet sandcastles next to the waters edge in the sand while listening to country music. Grace and mama sat tanning in the sun, Grace in her bold striped bikini and mama in shorts and a tank top. Grace looked so pretty with sand in her mangled hair and big white sunglasses, making me jealous in a way. I felt like a freak- a ten year old jealous of her sisters looks. But Grace did make my days in the ocean fun, even though Emily was still too young to come in herself. The next week, the campus to the school where I would attend camp was open to tour, which mama took us all to see. The campus was covered with bright green grass and the walkways were of old bricks and stone. The main building was large and looked like an ancient but beautiful castle. Statues of actors, dancers, and singers lined the halls. A large, almost Olympic size swimming pool and track lye in the back of the main building, separating the dormitories from the main building.
     Later that week, mama took us to Hollywood Boulevard and Rodeo Drive. I got to see the places I dreamed about. The stars that covered the sidewalks were marked with names such as Marilyn Monroe, representing hope and the people who are just ordinary people who chased their dreams, like I would do.
     We also decided that week that I would try living in the dorms of the school for camp. This trip was about setting me free to see who and what I could be.

Chapter 6

     My first day of camp finally arrived.  Mama received my dormitory room number and my roommate’s information. I later found out that I was the one of the youngest children at this camp, with the exception of twin boys who were 9 years old. But I learned in that moment that my roommates were all sisters and I was without a doubt, the youngest in the entire girls’ dormitory.

     Mama walked out to the front of the campus to calm Emily down and to retrieve my luggage from the car. Gracie and I proceeded to my dormitory room. I walked, almost running ahead of Gracie; I was so anxious to meet my roommates and begin my new adventure here.

     My room number was 223; the girls were on the second floor while the boys were on the first. The door to my room was open and there was luggage on four out of the five beds, so I walked in, Grace coming in shortly after. The dormitory was a large studio-like apartment. The walls were plain and tan in color. On the one wall there was an entertainment stand containing a television with a DVD player and a VCR. There were 5 twin size beds, three of them on one side of the room with the other 2 beds off into a separate area.  The bathroom was off to the side of the room; it was large with two sinks and a shower stall as well as a tub. It was like luxury.

     My roommates were coming into the dormitory now as I zoned the room and my jaw dropped. I was in total awe of how similar each girl was in appearance. They all had green eyes and brown hair; they were perfect compared to me who still hadn't changed, but I put those thoughts away into the back of my mind and smiled as I met them.

     "Hi, I'm Olivia." As I walked toward Grace, I said, "This is my sister, Grace. My mom will be here soon with my baby sister Emily, but I'm the only one staying."

      They laughed in sync and said, "Hi Olivia." They then each introduced themselves.

     "Well I'm Faith. I’m 16 and I've been attending this summer session for 7 years now. I'm majoring in acting here."

      "Hey Olivia, I'm Hope and I am 16 as well. Faith and I are twins. I am actually here for gymnastics. I've been here for 5 years now."

     "Hey, I'm Callie and I'm 13. This is my fourth year here and I'm majoring in acting like Faith."

      Finally the youngest girl introduced herself. "I'm Kayden. I'm 12 and I've been here for three years now. I sing in the musical theatre productions here." 

    We had decided that I and Kayden would share the area where the two beds were, while the three older girls would share the other area when mama walked in.           

     "Hey Livie, so these are the girls you will be staying with." She put my bags on my bed and Grace took Emily from her arms. Mama opened my bag and the first thing everyone saw my ballet shoes.

     "So you are here as a dancer Livie?” Faith asked. 

     I told them the story of the recital. "Actually my focus is singing. I was asked to come here this summer after a recital in New York City last month. I do dance as well as gymnastics, but not as much as I sing."

     Kayden's face seemed to light up. "So basically I and you are in for the same thing. Cool" Now I have a new friend." That was the first time I had actually found someone around my age who wanted to really hang out with me. For once I was put at ease.

     As Faith, Kayden, and I talked, Mama went over to see what Grace and the other girls were doing. Emily seemed to be too cute to resist for Callie and Hope, judging by now much fun they seemed to be having. They were all giggling at Emily yelling, "Gacie Gacie!"

 We spent the entire day unpacking. I and Kayden shared the one small dresser and closet. We were hanging up our clothes and discussing what our lives were like.

     "Our whole family lives all over California. We live in San Francisco, which is extremely beautiful, especially at night when we go out. We live with our dad. Mum died when I was born in the hospital, so Faith and Hope are like mother- figures to me and Callie.” Kayden said.
     "Oh, I am sorry", I mumbled. It was then hat I realized how grateful I should be for my life for what I had and who I was. I was so stupid for being unhappy. “Well we live in North Carolina and daddy stayed back there to keep the other house. Mama rented an apartment right here in Los Angeles for us for the summer and when it’s over we will go back home."
     "Oh well hopefully this summer will be good for you and you will come back next year.” Kayden said. Everyone overheard her say this and added, "We will do what we can to make this summer the best it can be for you."
     I replied simply, "Thank you." I never thought at this time that it would be the only summer that I went to camp.

     Later that night, mama took all of us out to dinner. Hope and Grace seemed to become instant friends, while Faith was more of the mother, making sure that all of us were satisfied. Mama sat back grinning and for the first time in a long time, relaxing. Dinner that night was so much fun for us all; we giggled and told stories the entire night.

     We returned to the dormitories around nine pm; we had a curfew of ten pm at the latest. Mama kissed me and said goodbye in the car where she stayed to watch Emily, who was long asleep. Grace, however, walked us up to our room.
     Before she left me that night, Grace said to me, "Livie babe, this is about you." I looked away, tears filling up in the corners of my eyes and clinging tightly onto the necklace Miss James had given me. She said"Livie sweetie look at me. This is about you chasing you dreams. If anything becomes too much to handle or if you just don’t want to be here anymore, call me. I will pick you up in a heartbeat."
     "I love you Grace", I said.
     "I love you too babe." And she left.

Chapter 7

      The next morning, classes began early. It had been so weird to be in a dormitory room, but I was so excited to start new. I know I say this a lot, but everything is truly so new to me.
     My schedule was different from any of my roommates, whom I now considered my "sisters". Faith had an acting class from nine am until one pm and then from three pm to seven pm, she helped at the younger acting class. This was the class Callie took. In the mornings, Callie stayed with Hope, who didn’t have gymnastics until two pm until five pm. Then I realized that I had morning vocal classes with Kayden from nine am until one thirty pm. While she went to a choreography class from two thirty until five pm, I had gymnastics from two thirty until four fifteen pm and then dance from four thirty until six pm. It seemed like I was in for the most vigorous schedule. 
     The first day for me was a whirlwind. It made me realize how much I deeply not only loved singing, but also dance and gymnastics. The day began with vocal class. Most people had already known one another, but of course, I knew nobody and if it weren’t for Kayden, I would have felt like a complete outsider once again. We introduced ourselves, going around the circle of about 25 boys and girls, hearing the stories of how we made it to the camp. Most of them had been here for over three years and it seemed like everyone else besides me was between the age of twelve and sixteen.
     Gymnastics and dance was a totally different feel from my vocal class that day. While it was nice to talk to the people in the morning, I was happy to be back on the balance beams and on the dance floor. The classes flew by and before I knew it. The first day was coming to an end as I sat to dinner with my roommates in the dining hall.
     "How did classes go guys?” Faith asked.
     Hope was the first to quickly respond. "Gymnastics went great. It was weird to be back on those old beams again. By the way Olivia, you looked so cute out there. You’re extremely talented for being the youngest one in there."
    "Thank you." I became extremely shy, even though it felt so good to be complimented. "My classes were great. Ill let Kayden tell you about vocal class, but dance was great as well. It feels good to be here."
     Kayden's grin was so infectious. "Class was ok. I can’t wait for the real singing to begin though. And choreography and acting class went well. It looks like the same people I worked with last year. How about you, Callie?"
     Callie looked up from under the table."Oh class was fun, right Faith?"
     "Haha yes it was. Pretty dull for a first day though I think."

***

     Mama stopped by the dorm room that night alone. She had left the baby at home with Grace. In her arm she carried a box wrapped in purple sparkling wrapping paper.
     I ran to her. "I missed you Mama. Who is the present from?"
     "Hey Livie, I missed you too. I only stopped by to say goodnight. The box is from Miss James. How did class go anyways?"
     We all replied, "Great!"
     "That’s good. Okay well I am going to go head back to the house. If you need anything give me a call." She hugged me and left.
     I fell asleep, wiped out from a day of hard work without even opening the girft from Miss James. I promised to open it; tomorrow.

***

     It was Sunday night by the time that I realized I hadn’t opened the gift from Miss James; four days after Mama had initially stopped by. I sat down on my bed alone in the room with the box while everyone else went to the pool. As I unwrapped the box, I realized how much I really missed home. The contents of the gift brought me so much joy but at the same moment I was filled with so much sadness. I found two new leotards; one green like the beautiful grass outside and the other as blue as the summer sky lightly glistening on the pool. However the letter was what truly hit me in the heart.
     "Dear Livie,
          I bet you are having the time of a lifetime out there in California. Grace told me that your taking dance and gymnastics on top of singing, so I figured that you might be able to use new leotards. I wanted you to know your making me extremely proud of you. You are everything I hoped you would be since that first day I saw you in the hallway and you have grown so much. Remember that all your dreams are just within arms reach and I will stand here waiting for you when you return home.
                                                                                                            Love,
                                                                                                                Miss James"
     I picked up the phone instantly and dialed Miss James' number.
     Her voice put me at ease. "Hello?"
     "Miss James. It’s Livie. I just called to thank you for my gift. Thank you so much."
     "No problem Livie. Hey call me back later this week and let me know how camp is going. I’ve got to go babe. I am so sorry. I love you.” she said and then hung up.

***

     I was awfully tired the next morning. It was difficult to get out of bed, but I forced myself to get up. In voice class we were supposed to sing our favorite song for the class. Kayden and I had practice for hours on previous nights and practically all weekend; I wouldn’t mess it up now.
     As we walked into class that morning, people were all over the place; warming up, talking, or just laying around looking at sheet music. Different songs were being sung and sheet music was everywhere! I heard songs by Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, Johnny Cash and even Elvis.
     I slipped into a state of pure joy that morning listening to the different songs. It seemed like I was in a comatose state. I don’t really remember any of the songs that were sung in particular until Kayden's turn came. She had chosen to sing 'Hero', by Mariah Carey. I must say I remember thinking she owned that song and knew what she was doing.
     The one line of that song that has always stuck close to my heart when she sang was, "Lord knows/Dreams are hard to follow/ But don’t let anyone/ Tear them away/ Just hold on/ There will be tomorrow/ And in time/ You'll find the way." Still I can’t really figure out why it means so much to me. I will always remember that day though.
     The time had come for me to sing. Getting up in front of everyone was a rush in itself and so different from the recital and talent show I had done before. I did my thing and before I knew it, I was soaring beyond the song as I sang the last line; "Man you ought a see her flyyyyyyyy."

***

      By the time I made it to the gymnasium, I didn’t believe I had the strength to work out on the beams. Hope, however, pushed me to my limits and put me on the vaults for a change.
     I fell more times that day trying to land my jump with a twist, then I ever had before. An entire hour and forty- five minutes on the vault had passed and despite how tired and bruised I felt, I was so proud of myself and I headed off to the dance studio.
     Dance proved to be the toughest class to get through that day. I would up spending more than half of the time sitting against the wall. I had apparently strained my calf muscle at the gymnasium, or so the teacher thought. Most of the time this wouldn’t stop me, but today was an awkward feeling of being weak. I think I just wasn’t used to the constant workout. I had never pushed myself so far over the limit before.
     When I saw Kayden and Hope walking toward the studio from outside the glass windows, I picked myself up off the floor and tried to pick up the routine. At that moment; it was about five minutes before class was supposed to end, they approached the teacher who then waved for me to come forward.
     "Olivia, you can leave now. You are doing quite fine in class and you could use a little break.” the teacher said. As she finished the last word, Kayden grabbed my bag and pulled me from the studio.
      Questioning them, I asked, "Where are we going?" to which I was told simply, "You will see."

***

     We sat in the auditorium a few minutes later. Callie and a group of boys, probably around the age of fourteen, were working with Faith on the stage. They seemed so passionate for the characters that they were portraying. They glided across the stage acting out emotions of integrity, of sadness, happiness, joy, laughter, and all of the seemingly unimaginable or thought of. I admired them for their passion after just the 10 minutes of watching and didn’t want it to ever end.
     We met everyone backstage. I felt so out of my element and I was so tired, but at the same time, I wanted to learn all about these people and what it takes to act on a stage like that. 
     We all headed off to the dining hall at almost eight pm that night. I excused myself after about ten minutes of sitting at dinner to return to the dorm where I fell asleep almost instantly.
     My last thoughts that night were, "Am I here for the right reasons?"

Chapter 8

Tuesday morning arose with the vibrant sun shining through my window and the alarm clock going off. It was eight am; I overslept and still felt tired with the added hours of rest.
     Kayden ran to my bedside, bubbly and excited, talking to me while I grabbed my old leotard and a pair of shorts. I stopped in my tracks and reached for the box underneath my bed and pulled out the green leotard that Miss James had sent me.
     I looked around and realized everyone was awake except for Callie. Hope was telling Kayden to come sit down so she could braid her hair and Faith was coming out of the bathroom. I snuck in there to take a shower.
     As I stood in the shower, I realized all the bruises that had accumulated over my body in the past two weeks at camp. Instead of worrying about that though, I tormented myself on my hair and my skin and everything else I could. I must have stood there talking to myself for a good fifteen minutes until Hope knocked on the door and walked in to use the bathroom. 
     "Hey Livie, if you hurry up, I will braid your hair like Kayden's. I think it would look really cute."
     I didn’t answer, but rather hurried up and got out of the shower. I put my clothes on quickly and walked to Hope's bed where everyone was sitting and I sat down myself.
     Hope started to fix my hair while Faith and Kayden went to wake Callie up who seemed to always be sleeping.
     "I love your leotard Livie. Green is my favorite color you know. And it looks good on you."
     I finished clasping my necklace as I replied. "Thank you. Actually my teacher, Miss James sent it to me the other week. That was what Mama brought me. She gave me this necklace too. I..." My voice faded off and I wiped the single tear from the corner of my eye as Hope finished my hair.
      "All done. Now you two better go before you are late to class." she said and gave us both hugs. "I will see you at the gym Liv and I'll see you later on today Kayden."
     We realized that class was going to start in less than five minutes and ran out the door.
                                                                                                 ***
      In class, it seemed like so many people were missing to me, even though Kayden ensured me that everyone was there. I must have been a little shaken, I told myself, because I had fallen coming to class. It felt so different to me; as if I weren’t at peace and I was distracted but didn’t know why. I kept quiet.
     For the last half of the class, we split into groups of four. Our job was to agree on a song to sing together on Thursday. We were able to pick our groups and Kayden and I were asked to work with two older twins who were sixteen. We strayed away to the lawn right outside the class to talk. In the end, we made a fairly quick decision to stick with a song by a standard group. Maybe it seems funny now, but we chose "If you can't dance", by the Spice Girls. It was merely the fact of working with your time and material you know.
     As we looked at the lyrics and began to rehearse, we realized the song would still be a challenge; more so than originally thought. But we took it in stride and worked it seemed endlessly.
     Kayden and I learned the English verses of the song, while the older girls took the Spanish rap in the middle of the song.
     We had about ten minutes before we had to depart for our next classes. We had worked straight through lunch which didn’t really faze us, at least not me who wasn’t hungry. Luckily the twins were in Kayden's classes all day so we had no problem finding times to rehearse.
     As we ran through the song the last time, I got my first nose bleed. I remember singing, "If you can’t dance to this...." and wiping my nose to realize it was dripping with blood. As I looked down, the blood dripped onto my brand new leotard.
     I was so confused and I didn’t know what to do. Scared to ask for help, I ran off to the bathroom in the lunch hall, where I ran into Faith who was getting ready for her next acting session.
     "Whoa. Come here you.” she said as I ran through the door with my right hand covering my dripping, bloody nose.
      I quickly wiped my tears away and walked over to Faith. She moved my hand from under my nose, which luckily had stopped bleeding by this point. As she wet a paper towel and gently wiped my nose free of blood she asked me, "This really shook you up didn’t it? as I nodded my head.
      "Don’t worry. Just next time pinch your nose and hold it on top to stop the blood. You okay." She tried to scrub some of the blood off my leotard, but didn’t have much luck. Instead, she reached into her bag and grabbed a tee shirt for me. "Here love, just put this on for now. You should get to the gym. Come on I will walk you there."
     Hope met us at the gymnasium door.
     "Hey I was worried about where you were. Kayden said you ran off.", she said as she reached for my hand.
     "Sorry", was all I could think to say.
     "Sorry about worrying you. She was just in the bathroom. Nose bleed. But she is good to go now. I got to get down to the auditorium now. Meet me there before dinner.", Faith said and ran off in the direction of the main building.
                                                                                                 ***
     Confusion still seemed to remain my middle name through gymnastics. After Faith had ran off, Hope put me back on the vault like the previous days, but landing my jump with a twist proved nearly impossible after more than twenty five times it seemed.
     "Livie, you seem off, so just go do some warm-ups on the balance beams.” Hope said in an odd tone; seeming both agitated and upset.
     I walked off and hopped on the balance beam. Three simple leaps I told myself, which seemed simple. So I pushed forward after stretching some more. Jump and leap forward, jump and spin 360 degrees to original position which I completed with just a slight fall of the bar, from which I quickly picked myself up. But the skin was bruising already, which kind of freaked me out. Still, I proceeded to add moves and by the time I hopped off the beam, I had a 40 second routine down; jump, leap forward, leap forward, 180 degree turn, front flip, cartwheel, and leap forward. It was a shaky routine, being the first run through, but it had a perfect landing.
     I turned to watch Hope on the vault before I left for dance. She ran, jumped on the spring boar and not only twisted, but also front flipped and landed perfectly. It only filled me with envy, making me more crucial as to my every move.
                                                                                                 ***
      Dance class was similar to vocal class that day. After warm-ups and stretching, the teacher split us into groups. Groups ranged from three to six members, the group I was in consisting of three members; me, one of he nine year old twin boys who's name was Jack and an older girl who was thirteen.
      We were told that one of our members would be our choreographer and "producer". This would be the oldest member of the group, which for my group left me and Jack as a two-some dance group.
     "The bonus to this dance routine you produce is that you will all perform for an audience next Friday", the teacher said.
      On that note, we all set off; as I did earlier in the day, to formulate ideas.
     "Okay. So we only have around fifteen minutes left, so let’s just figure out your strengths." Jack and I looked at one another.
    I replied first. "Well I think I am okay with anything you choose for us to do. I can do a lot of leaps and split moves like in gymnastics."
     Jack nodded his head and said, "I am ok with anything as well. I have been dancing since I was four so I can pick up things very easily that I don’t know." We exchanged smiles.
      "Okay then. I will put some thought into this tonight. You seem to be two easy kids to work with.” she said. "Looks like everyone is packing up, so let’s just go back inside."
                                                                                                       ***
      I ran up to the dorm room to meet Kayden and Hope. I had wanted to go out to the pool for some time and I wasn’t super tied at the moment. In the dorm room, I found a note saying that they were at the pool already, so I grabbed my two piece bathing suit that Mama had bought me back in North Carolina and quickly put it on and ran down through the building to the pool.
     Kayden waved me over and suddenly I felt very self conscious with all my bruises and scrapes that pierced my pale skin.
     "Hey cutie. Look at you", Hope said and we all giggled.
     My mid scattered and I thought that maybe I was just being crazy to worry about what anybody else though.
     It was fairly empty in the pool so I slid in after Kayden to get wet. The water was cold and I quickly shivered from the temperature change.
     The sun was glistening on the pool and I just felt free for a moment; from my thoughts, from the world. I snapped back into reality when Hope was leaning by the edge of the pool telling us we had to go meet Callie and Faith at the auditorium.
     Depressing I thought, but then again, I got excited to go see them acting again. That excitement stayed with me, even after they walked off the stage.
                                                                                                     ***
      Shocked. Happy. Sad. Angry. Love. Hate. These are emotions I loved to see portrayed. I thought about this al as I lay on my bed that night after everyone went to sleep. The day was hard work and extremely confusing to me, but I remained awake for moments which never seemed to end, but only faded slightly.

Chapter 9

     Amazing. The only word to describe how I felt the rest of the week.
                                                                                             ***

     Wednesday was a bright, beautiful day. With no classes that day, the beach was in our plans. I called Mama early that morning.
     "Mama, can we go to the beach today?"
     "Oh absolutely. We will come there to get you girls in an hour.” Mama said, seeming very happy.
     "Thank you. I love you and I’m going to go get ready", I said quickly and hung up.
     Being away from my family and living at camp was a change for me. It made me happy and I loved going to class everyday. But this day off seemed to be very relaxing already.
     Within forty- five minutes, all of us were dressed and ready to go. It was the first time for us to all be going to the beach together and we were all very anxious to get out.
     Less than ten minutes later, Grace was at the door telling us to lets go. We ran energetically down the stairs to the car with Kayden and me leading. We jumped into the back row of the car as everyone else piled in. Emily, in her baby voice, screamed and giggled. It was such a weird noise to me because I had never heard it before. She was getting big.
                                                                                          ***

     The sandy beach that stretched for miles stood just steps away from our feet. We carried our towels and chairs packed on top of our coolers full of water, juices, and snacks for the day.
     As I looked out at the ocean, the waves gently rolling in to shore, I felt as free as the birds flying across the sky. I smiled. I could not wait to play in the water and spend time with my family.
                                                                                          ***

     2:00 pm came around and Mama was calling us in to come eat lunch. The sun was at its peak as Kayden and I ran from the waves towards the five tanning bodies lying on towels beside Mama holding Emily. We slid in the sand, giggling at ourselves for no real reason.
     As we sat in a circle, munching on cookies, fruit, and sandwiches, we talked amongst the group. The discussion it seemed was what we were most grateful for in life. I thought as everyone said they were grateful for their families, their friends, good health, etc. I blurted out unexpectedly, "I’m grateful for the voice God gave me." It went silent. I had never been a truly religious child, but I knew I had my faith. It was almost like they read my mind ad we went on to talk about upcoming events. Nothing really special I could think of... well in that moment.
                                                                                        ***

     By 4:00 pm, after hours of swimming, splashing, and rolling in the sand like little kids, we began to pack things in. As we climbed into the car, I was grateful for the day, but sad it had to end. We drove back to the campus in silence. Were they reading my mind; my thoughts again?
    Back at campus we did the same thing as if it were one of our learned routines. Hugs, kisses, and goodbyes as we watched Mama and Grace climb back into the car. One more blown kiss and a wave and they drove off into the distance again.
     A sense of loneliness set in as I stood in front of the campus. A gentle brush of the shoulder by Faith brought me back into reality.
     "Come on, let’s go get changed and head to dinner, babe.” she said, as she grabbed me by the hand and started walking towards the dorms.
    In the dorm, we showered, dressed, and Hope and Faith fixed our hair. We took pictures and ran around foolishly. We ran to the dining hall which seemed unusually empty for 6:30 at night. We continued to act foolishly, laughing until our bodies hurt. Dinner was short and sweet with laughter, smiles, and of course food. Now I wondered what I would do the rest of the night.
     Dinner ended and we each left the table one after another, heading back to the dorm. I was the last one to leave the table, but seemed to be the first one back into the dorm. I put on a leotard and wrote a note,
            "To my sisters,
                          I’ve gone to work on some routines. If you need me, Ill be in the gymnasium. Ill be back by 9 I promise.
                                                                                                                                   Always Livie"
                                                                                                    ***

     I walked along the sidewalks around the buildings, taking the long way to the gymnasium. It was almost 8 pm by the time I got there. Completely empty. The gym was completely free to myself so I warmed up, chalked my grips and worked on the vaults. Last time I had practiced my routine I got hurt, but I was determined to get it down.
     Steady yourself. I told myself to get steady as I stood foot in front of the other on the balance beam. Jump, leap, and leap.... until finally I landed perfectly flat on the floor and a huge grin on my face. 
    I walked back towards the dorm shortly after, gazing at the actors in the open- doored auditorium and the dancers fooling around on the grass. I sang Emily's old tune, the one I used to sing to her back home as I walked. The night was peaceful and serene with the stars in the sky.
     The next week or so would be nothing of the sort, taking all my energy and unexpected turns. Would I get another perfect routine down?

 Chapter 10

     Thursday had been amazing. The best part had to be the performance in our vocal class. I had been too zoned out to watch anyone else, but my love of the music put me in front of everyone, singing my heart out. No bloody nose this time and no fear to stop me. It was nice; it was definitely nicer than nice.
     Who could want to remember anymore?
                                                                                                         ***

     By the time Monday rolled around, I was completely in a wasted out place in my life. I was more tired than I’ve ever been, even though, the last time I said that, I didn’t think it could get any worse. I was having fun dancing, swinging, and singing my heart out. But I was more bruised, aching and scared than ever. The nose bleeds came back and I had gotten them at least five times over the past three days. And I hid it to deal with myself... because I didn’t think it was really a big deal; it was just the heat, or so I told myself.
     Nose bleeds... nose bleeds... nose bleeds. I was getting scared by them all. I didn’t know what to say or how to ask for help, but it wasn’t really a big deal was it?
                                                                                                       ***

    I woke up on Tuesday morning nascious and confused. After a minute, I saw Callie walking across the bedroom. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep; I didn’t want her to see me awake.
     No classes except dance class so I waited until everyone else left to go eat and go out to get up. They knew I wanted to sleep.
     I got sick when I got up, running to the bathroom. I sat there and cried. I wanted my mom and more than that I wanted Grace. I mean, I was ten; I felt so helpless, but just when I thought things could get worse, the phone rang and I ran for it, feeling better. As I answered the phone to Miss James' voice.
     "Hey Livie babe, how is camp going? If feels like you've been gone forever.” she said.
     “It’s going great. I miss you like crazy though." I ran through memories in my mind. I meant what I had just said, but who would have second guessed that? I confused myself.
     "Oh, I’m so glad to hear that.” she said and continued to talk. I lost track of what she or I had said during that conversation, but I knew what I was really there for. I held tightly onto the musical note on my necklace. The last thing I remember hearing was, "Make your dreams come true... for all of us."
     I went by the rest of the day with a smile. I was unstoppable, no matter the pain, both emotionally and physically, that I was feeling.
                                                                                                         ***

     Despite how I had felt on Tuesday morning, I knew it could not stop me the rest of the week. I knew on Wednesday morning, when I got out of bed gently, that we had two days left to perfect one dance routine for Friday's upcoming performance.
    Dance was the main focus for those two days. Of course I had gymnastics and vocal classes too, but they weren’t on top. I felt so weird saying that, because singing was my main focus all along, but I had gotten distracted. All the different types of entertainment were helplessly pulling me in. But dance had to be priority for the time being.
    Wednesday's rehearsal was fun and exciting and really just too hard to truly describe. Jack and I were extremely anxious to perform our new pop music inspired routine for an audience. Mariah Carey was our music choice inspiration, well actually our "producer's" choice. A lot of leaps and twirling were mixed into our routine, which left me with nothing, but the need to be thankful that my already worn out and bruised skin would be saved for this time.
    We worked for more than an hour on our routine. And I felt so good about it that I hugged Jack when we were leaving. Later that night I had eaten dinner early and headed to find a deserted area to work by myself on the routine. I wanted perfection.
                                                                                                      ***

Thursday was a complete blurred state. We rehearsed and rehearsed. I was tired, but I landed my leaps and enjoyed dancing in sync with Jack. He was a real and unbelievable dancer.
    We were going to do our best and also have a good time doing it. We were so sure about ourselves and just couldn’t wait.
    We were great together. Great... Great... great.
                                                                                                    ***

Friday nigh came around. After hours of rehearsal, we were ready for it to pay off and to make ourselves look good. 
    Two minutes before we were to take stage, we gathered and prayed in silence. It had become a ritual at camp.
    Walking on the stage was like remembering that night that seemed so long ago where I had my first recital. Only this time I had Jack by my side. We took our positions as the lights brightened and the music began. I kept my eyes on Grace, sitting a couple of rows back, smiling. Before I knew it, it was over. We bowed, hands clasped and smiling out into the audience.     We ran backstage. And I felt whole. I felt like nothing could go wrong.
    For the first time in a couple weeks, I spent that night with Grace. Mama had gone to see Daddy in North Carolina and took Emily with her. Grace was everything I wanted to be. And that night... I don’t think it could have gotten any better.

Chapter 11

That nascious feeling. How I hated that feeling. It seemed to become the one constant in my life every morning I woke up the next week. I tried to hide it from my ‘sisters’, especially Hope and Faith, but it never failed that as I got out of bed in the morning, I ran to  the bathroom to sit over the toilet while the steaming shower water ran. I liked telling myself they never knew.

            It was such an awkward place to be, as a ten year old, throwing up secretly, with those nose bleeds and bruised and cut up skin. But I dealt.

            During the course of that week, things went drastically wrong. My nose bleeds occurred more than twice a day, leaving me with pockets full of tissues just in case. And I was left scared, terrified to an extent. I kept reflecting back on Friday night with Grace; how perfect it had been and now how screwed up I was.

            On Tuesday night, Hope pulled me aside into the bathroom of our dorm.

            “I have a gymnastics routine I want you to learn.” She said. “This weekend we are going to a competition down by our father’s house, and I signed you up to perform a routine. I want you to just believe in me this week.”

            I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to refuse, but my body was so weak and I was barely holding up behind my wall. I know I just had to do it and hide my pain; that’s what professionals do. “Okay” I said, proudly.

            “Okay we will start tomorrow at practice.” We hugged and she opened the door.

            It turns out, the routine Hope gave me was just an altered version of my original one, only this time I got to incorporate the twirls and fun of dancing to open up the routine.

            Wednesday and Thursday we met in the gym at our typical time and secured our practice location. And I was safe. I hid my bruises and had no nose bleeds during rehearsal. But there was still that undeniable feeling of weakness I felt afterwards.

            On Thursday night, after rehearsal, I went to dinner as usual with everyone. It was seven p.m. and I didn’t feel like being there. I chewed on a few bites of chicken nuggets and then excused myself. I smiled as I left the dining hall, but the tears of pain flowed as I walked to the gymnasium. I hadn’t changed my clothes, because I had secretly planned on coming back here.

            I guess I had fallen asleep before anyone else got back to the dorm that night, because on Friday morning, I woke up still in my leotard and sweat pants. Someone had covered me with a blanket and pulled my hair back.

            Everyone else was already up. So I stood up, trying to persevere over the pain I felt. I rubbed my hip and walked to the bathroom.

            Hope walked in while I was still in the shower. My leotard was lying inside out on the floor, with the visible nose bleed stains in sight. I heard her say, “Hey are you ok? Or what’s with the blood?”

            I look out of the shower and just shrug. “Just from a nose bleed is all.” And I heard her leave without another sound.

            Grace picked us up at six a.m. and we all drove to San Francisco together. I sat in the car rubbing my hip and thought about how great today was going to be.

            We arrived at the stadium around ten thirty. I had to get dressed and warmed up before the competition at two in the afternoon. I put on a long sleeved leotard and sat back in the chair for Hope to pull my hair back into a bun. The front of my leotard said Imagine and I zoned into having a professional career and hearing the crowd applaud after every show or competition.

            I looked out into the crowd two minutes before my show time. Hope and I prayed backstage. Just like praying right before a show had become a ritual, it seemed like peering out into the audience had become ritual, too.

            I took my place on the mat, ready to begin my routine, but I didn’t know what would happen. I danced, I smiled, and before I knew it, I was back at the spring board. I ran, bounced, and missed the beam. My hip crackled once, twice, and then three times. My eyes blurred with tears and I lifted my hand to wipe them away, but when I saw the blood on the ground, I curled into a fetal position. My nose was bleeding, worse than any other time, and I was in horrific pain. I felt a familiar hand brush a loose strand of hair back and I turned my head to hide my bloody nose.

            “Hey baby, look at me.” It was Miss James. Grace was kneeling behind her, but I couldn’t look at either of them. Grace came around the other side of me and took my hand. “Its okay… look.”

            “I…I…” I tried to speak, but I couldn’t stand the pain. I fell asleep, or blacked out with my hands in Grace’s.

            Miss James had flew in the night before and I felt like I was letting both her and Grace down.

            My faded images show my “sisters”, Grace, and Miss James. Then a hospital…

all the pain
all the fear
whaever you are trying to gain.
you will never win with that snear.

look at me
tell me what you see
a girl with problems so deep
you cant hear me weep

.my eyes meet yours
do you see my heart so pure
or do yuo see the stained tears
and all of my worst fears

i hug you tight
you try with all your might
you ask me what is the matter
you can tell there hasnt been any laughter

you keep me talking
and we start walking
i stop in my tracks
trying to cover up the facts.

you walk my way
i started to say
i love you
this is something i just wish you knew

girl in the mirror

the girl in the mirror
i wish i could see
the face a little clearer
and find out what she means to me.

the pain in her eyes
the fear in her voice
she cant get by
this life wasnt her choice.

she cries in the night
thinking about her past
she hadnt won the fight
he had moved too fast

she started to cut her wrists
she cant believe its real
her father got pissed
her room had been sealed

she hadnt ate in days
her father had laughed at her
it was no longer a phase
she was no longer allowed to call him daddy but sir

her mama had died
right after she was born
herdaddy had lied
and her heart had been torn.

she had lived in hell
for way too long
there was no way to tell
how she could stay so strong.

she finally broke down
to her one and only friend
they were in the twon
she could now start to mend

the girl in the mirror
i can now see
she has become a lot clearer
it is a friend so close to me

Thru Emily's Eyes

he loves me forever and i know it
he really loeves me i know he can care
he loves me alot dont blow it
when he is around i cannot breath air

maybe its because its me hes crushing
maybe its because i hold my breath at night
dont blow it or against me hes brushing
the fist of fury not far out of sight

but he is family blood flesh and pain
love like blood is thicker than pure water
i still wait for headlights through pouring rain
i love him after all i am his daughter

i see him standig in the door frame
doesnt  matter why i cry all the same

I Miss You

grieving over you is
just something i need to do

you made me smile
you went the extra mile
to make sure i knew
you loved me too

you filled my life with happiness
i knew there was nothing less
for you never stopped caring
no matter the circumstance standing

holidays were full of love
from you adn those above
the presents and the food
showed the joyful mood

watching you shop
and the loive between you and pop
to give presents to us
in your heart was a must

the first day you became ill
i felt a certain chill.
though i knew you would get better
afte all you were my go to getter

 you made life the best
i knew you would settle for nothing less
even when you were being nursed
that was when it became the worst

 you outlived them all
4 years more than the doctors call
you saw mom get married
even though your health varied

 i saw you a few days before you became ill for the last time
you looked better than fine
mom stayed with yoU
it was her last chance she knew

 you stayed another three weeks
no matter what you made sure to speak
to say i love you more
to us with your heart so pure

everyone went to your wake
to say goodbye give or take
they said you looked great
you never would have thought you were already through heavens gate

as we say a prayer
i finally realize that you are not here but are up there
we lay our flowers down and take one to remember your love
they free the dove

 you are my guardian angel
the strongest women i will and have ever known.
you fought til the end
and now i must mend      

 "I will love you forever NAN"

cry

 why do you cry
 are you mad
dont let me see it
your making me sad.

the things that you do. 
the things that you say
please tell me who
is making you this way

was there a fgiht
what happened to your eye
 did you try with all your might
or are you making up a lie.

 my heart goes out to you
and the others in need
but all  ican say is
dont wait another day